Maybe ...- by her

So, after the house inspection, after the birthday drink at chocolate bean, after the confession...

He came to her after his birthday dinner with his younger friends, and it was way past her bedtime. She was wearing her glasses and PJs.

She let him stay on . He was sitting on the blue gym ball in her room. She can't recall the content of their conversation. No, it wasn't really a conversation. More like a one sided babble from him.

He lost his train of thoughts. He said he couldn't talk straight anymore. And half the times he would not look at her at all.

She just smiled and nodded along with his babble... maybe he could tell how hard she was guarding herself. As usual, she let her friends talk, and she listens. Ocassionally she say something about herself.

But no. She would not let him in her world. Her world in her mindscape was a huuuugggeee secret garden with unreachable ends. And in there, was her and God. She guarded her secret garden with thick and tall walls.

She took pride in that secret garden that she built over the years. She didnt care if no one understand her world. Afterall, it was not meant to be understood.

He must not come in.

- - - - - -

The next day.

To buy or not to buy the house? It was indeed a very very difficult decision to make.

Having had no experience at all, she desperately needed honest and constructive opinions , and maybe some guidance. He seemed to be the best choice at that moment.

She went back and forth, dropped the idea and picked it up again. Not a paper work person herself, she found it extremely frustrating and intensely stressful having had to make hundreds of phone calls to the relevant authorities.

It was not an easy decision to make.

He was there. He said something as simple as 'pray' . She has always been the one giving advice and encouragement to the others. For the first time, this boy came in to the situation and reminded her the sovereignty of God.

' He is different..'

She finally decided to put in an offer for the house. She went to the agent's office, never expected to hear what she heard.

'Oh your friend Kevin has already rung and asked me to prepare this and that documents for you.'


She signed the documents. She's done her part, and trusted that God would open or close the door if He willing.

She came home, curled up like a ball in her favourite corner of the room, and began to cry.

No one has stepped out and done this for her. Not a man. She has been trained to be strong because she had to be strong, and she took pride in her strength and independence. Maybe the men in the past were intimidated by her for she never let anyone do anything for her.

For the very first time, she realised she was very tired of attempting to be both man and woman herself.

Maybe it is a good idea to have a man in her life...Maybe he is not like the rest..

Running hills - by him

Post birthday, post house.

They had had a ew late night chats, he had made her dinner, hosted (almost co-organized?) a gathering of their friends at his house and even made a batch of scones on super short notice to make her happy.

One morning she sms'ed him tell him he was precious.

it made his whole day.

Things it seemed was looking good for the boy and the girl...

until...

~~~

The girl had (has) a heater in her room, its one of those radiant bar heaters, it sits on carpet and there is a constant flow of jumpers thrown across the chair that sits close to it.

The boy was worried about it being a fire hazard, so he had sourced a ceremic heater for the girl.

In fact, he had sourced 2, worried that she would not like the design of any one of them.

He whisked past on a sunday morn, intending to just drop the new warmth makers off and head off.

The girl had just come back from a night shift and was about to tuck herself into bed when he arrived.

She invited him in and he sat on the blue ball and talked for 10, 20, 30, 60,90 mins.

Sometime in the conversation, the girl mentioned that it would be nice for him to meet her parents eventually, that he would surely get on well with her mom. And that there was a certain mentor she would have liked him to meet if he was to progress further with her.

*whoa... slow down lady* he remembers thinking, one night you're saying THIS is nothing and now you're talking about meeting the mom...?

If there was one thing he was afraid of and couldn't stand, it was a woman that gave out mixed signals....

And meeting mentors?...there was a whole legacy issue with him and being parading around and judged by a multitude of external parties before being accepted...

He remembers mentioning something along he lines of, "Hey, if there's one thing i really hate its being left in a room with people to judge and critique me before being excepted..."

conversation stumbled past that point and eventually the girl went to bed for her beauty sleep.

The boy left to join his friends for lunch.

an sms arrived just after he had ordered his meal... it chilled his heart.

It read simply,

Too fast.freaked out...sorry,vry blunt.

he made a poorly worded excuse, something about work, and ran from the restaurant to her house.

He remembers messaging back,

am running over now.

pls don't run.


She eventually answered the door, moving out to join the same lunch he had just left.
She acted like nothing had happened... it made the boy's heart hurt.

Silence walking to the restaurant,

finally she said,

Can we just go back to being friends? I really don't want a boyfriend now.

He was confused,

I thought that's what we were, just friends getting to know each other?

I don't want a girlfriend now either...

But what I do want, is to get to know you better. So I am going to ask again.

Could I please make trips back to spend time with you to get to know you better?

a long elongated silence.

yes, i would like you to still.

I'm sorry, I guess i'm just tired.

can we forget that this episode happened and just go back to the plan?

he left her to have lunch with their friends and went off to think.

Sitting at the corner of his favourite pub, he was nursing his heart and confused mind.

"Just walk away man! She unstable and will hurt you." he thought, "One moment you're precious and the next you're dirt!"

He took a long swallow of his beer and pulled out a note book.
Angry and hurt, he wrote a letter.

it was supposed to say,

" Look, you're wonderful, but I've been hurt before and frankly you're just a little too unstable for me to feel safe. thanks but no thanks."

Except that when he had finished the letter, all it said was,

"Look, you're afraid and I'm afraid, but all we're doing is getting to know each other.
Relax, lets take things slowly and just go with the flow (or something to that effect)"

~~~

He showed her the letter,

she read it, and nodded her head.

He wasn't sure how she felt,

but he walked away believing once again, that this girl, this girl he could never have.

~~~

Burning bridges - by him

He went home from the night of tired but elated, surprised but unsure what had just happened.

"Nothing has happened..." she had reminded him in an almost stern tone.

Hadn't it?... he thought, just a little more than a bit confused.

Oh well... there's a small chance where before there was none, he told himself as he set aside a somewhat large amount of resources in his head for the monthly flights back.

Ironically, it was just about the amount of the pay increase he had fought for in the new job.

Money is meant to be spent, told the boy to himself as he penned the secret budget in his head.

Then the phone buzzed... announcing the arrival of an sms,


Hey, happy belated b'day.
Still on for dinner tomorrow night?

!!! He had completely forgotten he had made dinner plans with Jata...

the boy pondered for a good 5 seconds and then made an important decision, then turning off the lights he tried to catch some sleep.

~~~

The dinner was good, the company and conversation decent.

He had delayed it as long as he could... he just wasn't very good at some things... most things.

So, about the whole "us" and getting to know each other thing... he started (or something along those lines)

Conversation limped across for the rest of the night, each party lying about how it was better this way and the friendship would still be maintained.

He remembers turning back on the smoking bridge and walking back to his car, knowing deep down he had done the right thing.

~~~

Chocolate bean - by her

So it was a wonderful evening spent with him at the chocolate place.

He told her a story of a princess, a jester knight, and the Sun. She remembers she was engrossed in the story and his beautiful English accent. Suddenly he was a different person. The man who was somewhat cold to her,who wore a beanie and hoodie, who told her a story, who spoke in a foreign accent, became alive and attractive.

It was to his (and her) surprise that she confessed to him about her admiration.

But deep down inside she wasn't very sure if she did the right thing. Áfter all, she was not keen to go into a relationship, she had been by herself for quite some time.

She came out of a relationship 18 months ago, and now she enjoyed her singlehood very much. Life was good. Just her and herself, and God, and her career, her friends, her hobby, her freedom....no, she didnt want a boyfriend.

But yes, she wanted to let him know what she felt. It was kinda fun to watch his reaction.

She let herself indulge in the secret pleasure she found in his pursuit.

Boys came and left, and she didn't have the faith that he would do it differently.

' Silly boy, let's see how long you will stay ,' she thought.

But her secret pleasure quickly turn into guilt.

' What if he gets hurt at the end? What if he takes it too seriously?' Afterall, she didnt really want to have anything to do with him.

'Ermmm...I know I just told you about my feelings for you. But ...please don't misunderstand me, I don't want a relationship at all, and we are just friends. Nothing has happened, k?',
as though her behaviour was justified by popping his bubble.

That was a long but beautiful night. They stayed on, 7pm, 730pm,8pm,815pm...

Due Diligence

For days after that faithful birth day, I remember floating on cloud nine.

But there was work to be done...

The girl was interested in the little apartment and was busy at work saving lives.

In my sunset days at the shipbuilder, I was more than happy to organize things for her.

I put my Project manager's hat on and did all the standard stuff, ringing the agents, preparing the paper work and ensuring that Dr. Girl wouldn't need to be too distracted from her work.

It was also, a perfect excuse to keep in constant and regular contact with her... allowing me to drop in to "discuss the house" and have long chats.

A day later and Dr Girl was readying for a a night shift, she had done all the ground work and much to my surprise had launched an offer in.

Pray! I remember telling her, not knowing what else to say after having given my best advise that she should let this house go and wait for a better time.

I remember being so proud of her and so proud to have been part of that process.

I remember asking her if she'd let me fly over to help her paint the house, to help pick out tiles and a new kitchen.

I think she said yes.

I remember putting the phone down on that call, and then walking over to organize contractors with a colleague in the know, all the while picturing a boy and a girl painting a house together and smiling as they did. :)

Single bullet? - by her

After the cooling period, after the dinner at friend's place , after hearing her stories.... they resumed regular contact....there was still a noticeable distance between them.

It was his birthday...

She knew it was his birthday. And it was also her off day. But she went for a movie with her buddy, because she wasn't really really keen to drop him any hint at all. So she was still rather cold towards him.

But he was still very kind to her. On his birthday, he went with her to inspect a house that she would potentially buy.

As she drove closer to the house at the appointed time, she saw a man wearing a hoodie jumper and a very nice beanie, slowly wandering around the neighbourhood.

It was him.

He looked very different in his jumper and beanie. He looked great.

For the first time.....her heart was jumping. She suddenly became a lil nervous.

... why?.....


So....the house. It was great. A tiny 2 bedroom unit in a prestigous area. She realised he was the one who did all the talking and enquiry to the agent... whereas she was curious and excited like a kid, touching each corner, imagining herself live in there.

She was impressed with how much he knew.

' So... it's your birthday, and I feel kinda bad for making you do this on your birthday....would you like a drink before your dinner?'

She made invitation for the first time.

---

It was a very nice lil chocolate place in town.

He told her one story...followed by another story. She was engrossed by the stories.

'Did you make these stories?' , she asked.

'The first one no, the second one yes,' he said.

No one has ever told her stories in her adulthood. She has not known of anyone who writes stories...

- - - -

Then he finished his stories.... (he looked great in his beanie and jumper...for the first time she studied his face, she realised he'd had great features...)

....silence....


'I am very glad that you like and you understand my stories...you get me. To be honest I feel that we are connected in someway...and I am attracted to you...but I've never told you about it.'

(These might not be the exact words that he used but he meant it this way)


' Why not?' she asked. The exact words.

He was stunned by her response.

'...erm...because I've always thought it was just on my side...so...did you mean, there's also something on the other side of the fence?'

She heard herself saying, ' I'd be lying if I said I wasn't attracted to you. '

His eyes were wide open, he dropped his jaw, he took a deep breath, he was speechless, he was smiling.......

Our first real conversation.

She answered the door in her trackie daks (track pants for you uninitiated) with the red and blue lines running along the sides.

She was wearing glasses and I smiled, for I had never seen her in glasses... she was beautiful, stunningly cute and I was amazingly attracted.

I sat on a big blue ball watching the pretty little girl curl up in her ikea chair,

I don't remember much of what I said... but I remember going on and on, about how amazing she was, how great her photos were. How women like her didn't like men like me, I babbled, repeatedly saying Hey, its late, I think I should go. and she would simply say, its ok, stay for just a little bit longer... and my resolve would melt.

I sat on the blue ball for hours... just yammering on and on about her and how great I thought she was...whilst this was going on she just sat on that chair and smiled that little tilted smile.

I remember her interjecting somewhere in the conversation that she had been hurt badly before and that THIS was nothing... that we were just friends and it would be good to get to know each other more...

I took quiet note of her tone when she said that and just kept talking about her and how I was drawn.

Finally it was time to go...

And i found myself asking a very bold question.

hey, if its ok with you, I'd like to fly back every month just to spend time with you, to get to know you better.

I was expecting the "oh no, we're just friends... pls don't do anything like that for me"

but all she did was smile and say,

I would like that very much.

:)

One single bullet...

There were a few other stories in between this one and the last.

Indeed neither of us can accurately place the time line anymore.

There was an evning when I had made wayyy too much pandan chicken and had prepared a pack for the dr. girl to pick up. Tired from work and cooking I had literally meant "drop by and pick up" to my surprise she turned up with an outspoken friend and proceeded to stay for the better part of an hour combing through my belongings and questioning bits and pieces of me decor...

Highlight of the evening was when I started to explain how she should prepare the dish.

So you lay all the pieces out and bake them for about 20 mins on 180 degrees. Alternatively you can pan fry them...

Oh don't worry about all that she replied, I'll just microwave them... I cook all my food in the microwave.

stunned silence from the boy...

There's another story, on how the girl got sick again, and this time the boy sent over ginger, coke & more chinese herbal teas. I think she appreciated that.

Or even the time, when the boy first glimsped her dark and fragmented past and felt his heart bleed for her. The beginnings of an open wound that still aches this very moment and flares up in a dark seething rage if he thinks too hard.

No, there's a bunch of smaller stories which we can't really place but are so precious to us.

But this one, this one is one of our milestones.

This one I call one single bullet.
~
One Single Bullet

~~~

It was my birthday and I had taken the day off, in fact, i was coming off a long weekend already

(
it was the mummy adelaide inspection which brought with it hints of its own...

That Dr girl was nice hmm?
Yes mom...
That Dr girl seemed really nice, you should be nice to her.
Yes mom... o_O'''
)

Regardless of which, it was my birthday. The Dr girl and I had briefly spoken on the possibility of seeing a movie that morning. Not being a morning person I told her we'd play by ear and left it at that. She had made an appointment with me later that afternoon to help view a little place in St. Peters a few days earlier (not knowing it was my b'day when she made the appiontment) so I was quite content to let things drift.

I had planned for a massage, a movie myself, some shopping, a nice dinner with my younger friends and then home for a quiet wine and another solitary salute to another year gone by.

I rang her about 10amish, wondering if she was still keen on that movie

Hey, I actually made plans to see it with a friend... maybe next time?

"Whatever... I told myself" this was probably the 3rd time I had heard "next time" regarding a movie so I wasn't too fussed, at the back of my head weighing in the largish possiblity that she was on a date anyway.

So I pulled on my shiny new b'day presents (Havard hoodie and Yale beanie!) went to have a meat filled lunch and decided to catch that movie (mongol, the gengis khan saga!) myself anyway.

The afternoon flitted away and it was almost time for house viewing, as standard procedure for viewing houses, I got there 10 mins early to suss the place out. Walk around the neighbourhood and evaluate the structure.

She found me as I was crossing the street, I waved as she drove past in the purple monster.
"Oh well," I told myself, "at least she had the decency not to turn up with the wanker she saw the movie with."

We went into the house, and I put my bestest PM hat on. Giving her my evaluation of the house and its surrounds. I remember asking the agent for the Form 1's (section 32's for you victorians) and being surprised how english I sounded and how authoritative a tone I took.

She thanked me for my help and then apologised realizing it was my b'day. Let me buy you a cup of coffee to make up for it? she said.

Sure why not? I had time to burn before my dinner, I suppose I could do another interviewesk conversation...

I remember suggesting the chocolate shop in the alley and she needing directions there.

I remember being stiff and cold inside, not being sure what to make of this (surely) my last solo conversation with her.

The drinks arrived and I remember a friend's voice telling me "Surely if you told her your stories, she would notice you.".

"Would you like to hear a story?", I heard myself mumble. Sure.

I was staring at the floor, not looking at her pretty face. I was struggling to remember a single story, any one would do.

My mind was flexing in her presence and coming up empty... nothing was coming up. The moments were slipping by and she was growing impatient.

"Once there was a young soldier..." I began, this story I spun out of my life, this story called "Triage"

It was a painful one and one I had never told, It spoke of the guilt of a young commander, and part of what weighed on his heart from those days. I'm surprised I told it.

I remember not making eye contact throughout the story. And then looking up to find that she was captivated.

Was it a true story then? she enquired with somewhat awe in her voice. I think i remember nodding.

I had lapsed into silence again, pondering the possiblity that she actaully did enjoy the tale.

So I spun another one,
"Are you a sun or a moon person" Sun ... i'm solar powered! she replied with a smile. So I told a tale spun from something older in my mind, of a princess who sought the sun and the kindly boy who finally gave it to her. I told it as a concept more than a tale. That would come later.

At the end of the 2nd story I could tell she was truely pleased with my performance, and a joy filled my heart.

Looking back on the floor again a little voice inside my head shouted its now or never boy, speak and never ask "what if..." and so I did.

"So, I guess you would probably have guessed that I am attracted to you, I guess I'm not a subtle man... I guess I never opened up my mouth because I believe with somethings in life, you only get one chance, one single bullet. And I guess with me leaving and all, it would be a somewhat wasted shot no?"

Well, you are right, I have known for sometime, as you have said, you are not a subtle man...

The next few lines of conversation are lost to me, but I remember that we did try to go back to "normal" conversational topics, as limber as a drunken sloth with a broken knee did that transition go.

In my mind the little voice probed once more "Just ask, one more time, I have to know..."
Opening my mouth in what seems slow motion I asked "Hey, so you now know that I'm attracted to you, but I was just wondering... if there was anything on the otherside of the fence?"

*close mouth*
*breathe... just breathe*
*wait for reply*

She wasn't making eye contact now either, just like me she had found a particularly interesting spot on the ground and was studying it for the answer to the meaning of life.

My heart and mind readied it self for the standard answer... You're very nice, but I'm not looking for anything... I see you only as a friend... I'm called for missions... etc ete etc...

and then she said

I'd be lying if I said there wasn't... couldn't you tell?

Ahh... that's when she blew me away. My mind unhinged and my wall cracked, I was like Wahh?...WOW!!!

This moment begins, my pursuit of her heart.

This was the first milestone.

post cooling off period- by her

But even while he was cooling off , he was still very kind to her.





A family in her connect group was leaving for Canada for good. The evening before their departure she went over to their house to say goodbye. For some reason he was there too.





Over the dinner she shared with her friends about her past, her dark past before she met Jesus. She told them how messed up her life was and how morbid she was. She told them about her suicidal attempts.



The past doesn't affect her anymore, she was telling her story as though it was someone else's.



But I think that night he was drawn to her again, after the period of cooling off. He thought her life had always been smooth , she must be a preacher's daughter who grew up in church, who had never broken any rules.....



I think he was drawn to her, not for her dark past, but for the transformation that he saw in her now.



He saw the scars on her wrist. He also saw the scars in her heart (figuratively, God has certainly healed her heart) . It made him wanna get to know this girl.



He said his mind was filled with colours. He must write it down on his blog.



She shrugged her shoulders again and put up her usual happy smile. ' It's ok, don't feel sorry for my past. God has saved me. '


She didnt need anyone to sympathise her for her past....she was a proud girl.

Cooling off aka Distractions - By Him

It seemed that you cooled off for a bit... she would tell him weeks later as she lay in his arms.

Perhaps he did.

~

It was about that time of the re-invigoration of the purple monster's audio system that another girl surfaced in the boy's life.

He was a solitary lad living in a foriegn city, new friends at this age are hard to make you understand?

Anyhow, a new friend came to be and there was a goodly kind of connection, not romantic, just a couple of people that like to have a yak and appreciated the finer things in life, like nice restaurants and wine with good conversation.

Happy to have another dining companion, 'Jata (as we'll call her) rose quickly in the ranks of friends in the city of churches.

Fully discouraged by the lack of response (ooo the icy cold shoulder!) from the Dr Girl (as she was known in this season), the boy began to draw closer to 'Jata.

In hindsight, it was to him at the time, a source of good company and conversation that he enjoyed with 'Jata. Of course there was a mild attraction that was being fostered, but 'Jata soon blew that out of the water.

Twas a late night coffee when the boy was going on a soliquey of sorts, slipping in his playful jest of wink wink nudge nudge, he was testing the borders of his attractiveness to his audience.

Of course this was responded by a full blown, "oh hey, so i think you're attractive too, in fact, i like you"

Taken aback by this the boy quickly moves to stem the flow and control the situation

Oh wow, that' s really flattering, I find you attractive too but we hardly know each other, lets just chill out and take things slowly and be good friends first eh?

or something to that effect was heard coming from his mouth.

So as the Dr Girl was busily building walls and rather successfully pushing the boy away. Another had swooped in and made her move.

The boy was flattered and in truth did think seriously on the matter, in fact, as most of their friends would observe, he was indeed getting closer to 'Jata (post the above conversation).

Dr Girl's friend would comment later, See? I warned you about him, he's just another one of them... see him move on to the next target so quickly...

(In my defense, I was pushed away on one side, and invited into the other... You can't blame me for exploring can you? anyhow, i'll redeem myself, just stave your judgement for a bit hmmm?)

Like the Dr Girl, the boy had been hurt deeply before, had told himself that love existed, just not for him. So numb was it in his stoney heart that he couldn't even define what love was anymore. The memories of such long having faded and died years and years ago.

So, as the boy got closer to 'Jata, in hindsight he realises that he was once again, setting up a small town outside the walls of his heart to accomodate the potential relationship that might come up.

Deep inside, he remembers looking at Dr Girl's blog and photos, wondering what could have been, before quickly shelving thoughts of such away with bold words such as beggers can't be choosers.

Yet, everytime Dr Girl jumped online for brief moments in those days and they chatted, he would walk away smiling in his heart yet frowning on his brow.

If only she liked me... whispered the poet in his mindscape
beggers can't be choosers, would counter the logical portion of his mind.

He remembers a quick conversation with a well wisher from home that had called after he just had a dinner with 'Jata.

Any nice girls in Adelaide?

Funny you should mention, I met the most amazing photographer, I haven't been this attracted in years.

Oh wow, so what's happening with that?

Nothing, i think there's nothing on her side

Oh well, nothing you can do about it eh?

no i guess not... funny i didn't even mention bout the dinner i just had either...

~

I guess I was still captivated, even as another worked to build something with me, I just couldn't tear my eyes away...